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The Kingdom of Kerovnia - Page Two

taken from "Official Secrets"' "Confidential" magazine, issue 8; author unknown

account of the rise to the office of mayor of the strange 'legless' horse is very hard to credit. So here we are left to look back and wonder, for the history books are somewhat garbled to say the least and true hard facts are hard to come by (and even harder to believe when you eventually do come by them!). In true monarchic tradition, King Erik was followed by King Erik II, and he by King Erik II, all the way up until the present day, and our own glorious Highness, King Erik XV (Footnote #4).

Geography

The Kingdom of Kerovnia covers an area of one million square miles (to the inch) and within its boundaries lists an impressive range of climates and weather zones. Upon its northern boundaries (with the provinces of Perpetania and Kerulgia) runs a huge mountain region, split in the centre by the Obakanga Valley. The two resulting ranges are the Nattus and the Atina Mountains, to the west and east of the Obakanga respectively. To the south lies the thousand square miles of desert, caused by the fact that Aquitania, Kerovnia's southern neighbour, has all the water. To the western edge of the realm lies Silenissia, bordering on the vast reaches of the Dying Forest, which harbours the last remaining lead mines of the land. Here also lies The Great Wastelands, their threshold girthed by fetid swamplands and marshes of a size and depth that is (for the most part) immeasurable. The eastern edge of Kerovnia is split by the fiery molten expanse of the Lava River which issues from the northern Volcano, past the old emerald mines and Golden Palace, into a steaming heap within the Aquatica Sea.

With industries stemming from the enormous tracts of prime nut yoghurt farming land, the Kingdom of Kerovnia has much wealth and certainly has need of few imports from its neighbouring brothers. From chilly Kossa,

to the Mountain City of the north, to the warming fields of Kerga in the south, life is full of joy and happiness (Footnote #5). Other industries include emerald and lead mining, and tourism (especially in the beauty spots of the snow-capped regions of the north, when paths are not blocked by boulders (Footnote #6). Tourism in the realm is monopolised by the Dwarfs, while the Little People drew the short straw and got the nut yoghurt.

One problem with the geography of Kerovnia (Footnote #7), is that it keeps changing; constantly. The explosion of the Volcano in the reign of King Erik I did catastrophic damage throughout the Kingdom and left its mark for many years to come. Things have come and gone, including changes in land masses (the emergence of the River Nasty that flows from a suddenly appearing northern sea late in King Erik XIV's reign), population densities (who knows where the fabled nomadic Swelks have gone to) and urban settlements (the famed disappearance of Kozza and appearance of Oftitch and it's unparalleled County Library (Footnote #8).

Politics

A sore point in Kerovnia.

Flora & Fauna

Much of the flora of this extensive empire is little short of mundane, yet there are notable exceptions. Take for example the Swelk nomads, as described in the learned paper by Dr. Jenks, entitled Methods of Fire-walking. It reads: "Strange as it may seem, the Swelk nomads, in the few seconds before their dazzling feats of fire-walking, apply succulent Gerominitus on soles of their feet. This not only protects them completely, but also smells of hot marshmellows when

toasted.' Yet, the subject of fauna is much more diverse:

Ice Constricting Snake
The only surviving specimen is kept in the Kerovnian Zoological and Botanical Gardens. Once predominant in the ice regions of the Kerovnian plateaus, they were all eliminated during the great thaw except 'Lawrence', who survived by hiding inside a giant snowman.

Pink Unicorns
These fabulous creatures are now indigenous to the Northern Mountains and usually used as sightseeing mounts by the droves of tourists that visit the region all year round. These unicorns were introduced by The Little People three centuries before the reign of King Erik I, when Faldous, the then King of Aquitania, gave the King of Kerovnia a red unicorn stallion as a birthday gift.

Kattish Dorabs
Dorabs are a cross between a rabbit and a dog. They are prized for their hunting abilities, but also make excellent pets. They have the body of a spaniel and the soft fur and droopy ears of a bunny. Loved by royalty, the most famous of all the world's (ever-increasing) population is Poops, pet and present on Princess Lacey's sixteenth birthday.

Currency

The commonest form of currency is the Ferg. This comes in varying forms of denominations, the one, two and five Ferg coins being the most available. There are bank notes too and these usually depict famous figures in Kerovnia's history (usually Kings - as in the case of the 5 Ferg note which is printed with the head of King Randolph Ferg the Fearless). Due to the vast fluctuations in the Ferg's value, recent times have made it virtually useless, and barter throughout history has always been popular.

Footnote #1: Of course, Jinxter took place in Aquitania, a neighbouring province to Kerovnia, but, for the sake of our own sanity in reconciling the whole history of the world, we shall not be touching upon that here.
Footnote #2: A book that sits quite snugly between such other fashionable tomes as 101 Uses for A Dead Adventurer (a curious and macabre volume), Marks and Spenncerism Made Easy (by Professor Karl Friedrichs of the University of Aquitania) and A Tale Of Kerovnia (a light fictional ramble, usually found with all the lines and words numbered on every page).
Footnote #3: Take from the opening paragraphs of 'A Tale Of Kerovnia'.
Footnote #4: Who had an almost uncontrollable passion for fine walnut cabinets. These were fashioned by the finest carpenters in the land and almost wiped out the walnut tree population overnight (at least by the reckoning of the trees). Most walnut cabinets now in existence date from Erik XV period.
Footnote #5: At least, that is the official report from the Palace, though it is a fair assumption that most of the peoples of Kerovnia do not have a say in this description of the land. In a recent poll, 99 % of all citizens of Kerovnia did indeed vote that they were rich, happy and pregnant, but these figures were collected solely from members of the King's Winter Palace in the Foothills of Kozza, whose only inhabitant was the Queen's favourite pink unicorn, who was in labour at the time, and the Queen, who wasn't. Due to this, Opinion Polls are therefore usually ignored for any accurate assessments of the populace's viewpoints - though not for up-to-the-minute Encyclopedias like this one (which are commissioned by Royal command).
Footnote #6: Interestingly enough the abstract Kerovnian artist, Kweeley, founder of the neo-surrealist school, once captured such a scene in his remarkable adaption, unimaginatively entitled 'Path Leading To Snow-capped Mountains'. It is such a pity that the actual title of the painting bears little resemblance to the blood-red splodges on the canvas.
Footnote #7: One of the many problems with the geography of Kerovnia!
Footnote #8: Suicides amongst cartographers are the highest in any profession in Kerovnia.

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